Letters

Dear Coworkers,

I'm not even sure where to begin.

Wait, that's a lie. Let's begin with the fact that it's bad (insulting, demoralizing) enough that your salary is more than twice mine and yet you are incapable of penning a coherent sentence; but when compounded with the fact that at least FOUR of you have emailed me to ask for "another copy" of that document because the copy I sent "is showing all those notes," you, in effect, make me want to rip out my hair/rip out your hair/generally perform acts of unpleasantness that would result in my either being fired or arrested.

Now, let me see if I can explain this in a way that will penetrate through that layer of cement that serves as your skull.

You see that oval-shaped plastic thing next to your keyboard (the type-y thing)? The one with the two buttons and the cord coming out of the top? That's a mouse.

Wha-- NO! Come back here! Get down off your chair! It's not a real mouse, sheeze...

Okay, now, place your hand lightly atop the M... the clicky thing. Move it around a little bit. See how that arrow on your screen moves when the clicky thing moves? Good!

Now move that arrow up to the upper-lefthand corner of the screen where you see the words "Final Showing Markup" (if you've made it this far, I assume you can read). Click on the little downward-pointing arrow next to the words.

Put the little arrow over the word "Final." No, not the "Final" in "Final Showing Markup," the "Final" allll by itself. Right.

Now click on it.

Just once.

There. Now that wasn't so terribly difficult, was it?

Oh, and in the future, before you tell me that neither you nor your neighbor are "savvy enough" to figure this out on your own, tell your neighbor to CHECK HIS FUCKING EMAIL because I sent him instructions, with pictures, first thing this morning.

Thank you,
FP

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Dear Academic Writers of the World,

First off I would just like to say "thank you." I'm sure you feel underappreciated at times and really, I want to let you know that I do indeed appreciate the hours and hours you have dedicated to publishing the tomes that make my education possible.

However, there are a few matters which I would like to discuss with you. Let's call them matters of style.

No, your shirt is fine. Stripes suit you.

I am referring here to writing style, and I would like to propose a few new rules for the style guide that would make both your and my lives easier.

RULE #1
Making me feel stupid does not, thereby, make you smarter.

RULE #2
Sentences containing more than 20 words are subject to review by a panel of experts. Sentences containing more than 30 words are hereby prohibited. Sentences containing upwards of 50 words will result in a monetary fine and possible flogging.

RULE #3
Any given sentence may contain no more than two pentasyllabic words. Please note that the presence of a single hexa-, septa-, or octosyllabic word immediately exhausts said quota.

RULE #4
If you can say it in 10 words... SAY IT IN 10 WORDS.

If we can all agree to the terms outlined above, I believe that we can look forward to many years of fruitful and far less stressful interaction.

Cheerio,
Froggy

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Dear Smokin' Hot Ex,

Please be aware that while I truly am interested in catching up and hearing what you have been up to for the past several months, I am equally (if not more) interested in getting you naked.

Your compliance in this matter is most greatly appreciated. See you at 5.

All the Best,
F