Sleeping Strange

I knew I was in for it last night when, every time I was on the verge of falling asleep, my whole body would jerk violently, waking me up. I have no idea how I finally managed to fall asleep, but I knew that my subconscious had it in for me.

First...

I was waiting for an elevator with some of the characters from Gossip Girl, theoretically to go home (because in my dreams I get to live in classy buildings with elevators). That's when I started falling over. I'd lose my balance, start drifting backwards, then my legs would give and I'd go crashing into a wall or whoever happened to be standing behind me (well hello there Chuck Bass! How are you this evening?). Every time the elevator arrived, someone would hit the Close Door button, waiting for me to get it together. My mind was completely alert, but I had no control over my limbs.

Then...

I was in my parents' backyard, getting ready to sleep in a tent (that had screened walls, a nice bed, and a flat screen TV). Only it wasn't really my parents' backyard, it just looked like it. A shady figure snuck out from behind my neighbor's hideously ugly hedge and suddenly I KNEW he was there to kill me. Only he didn't. As I sprawled flat on the ground, hoping not to be noticed--while wearing lingerie and thigh-high fishnet stockings... why?--he crept into another screen-walled tent, this one containing a refrigerator, some shelves, and a stainless steel table. He opened the fridge to return some bread dough that I'd left at the Gossip Girl & Co apartment. That's right, the strange sneaking man was bringing me dough.

Then...

Floodlights came on, helicopters appeared, and a man in military garb appeared with his retinue atop my parents porch. Orders in Spanish were echoing from a bullhorn mounted on the helicopter as military personal poured into the yard from around the hedge and the sides of the house. I was screaming "Digame en Ingles!" and crying...

Then...

I woke up, went to the bathroom, got a drink of water, and fell fitfully back to sleep.

Where...

I was at rehearsal with my kids, where I had inexplicably brought a tray of bread dough that was rising (notice a theme here?). Rehearsal ran over and I was going to be late for a hair appointment, so I rushed out and across the street where there is a kitchen-supply store--to buy tupperware to safely carry the rising dough to my hair appointment--only when I got outside, the store was no longer there and the street was lined by several surly fabric merchants. I kept walking up and down the street, as though that would make the store magically reappear, until finally giving up and going back down to the rehearsal room, where the dough had meanwhile gone bad.

Next...

I was still determined to make it to my hair appointment. I took the inexplicably pristine subway one stop (again, why?) then got out to find a taxi, ending up with a non-yellow cab who said he would take me for $3. I got in the back and sat down and zoned out, only to snap back to myself a few minutes later and realize we hadn't moved, the driver was outside talking to his buddies! I yelled at him to hurry up, that I was late, so he got in the car and we started driving...

Suddenly...

I was in the back seat of a different car, filled with other people--some who I know from the real world, others complete figments of my imagination. We were driving through brown dirt mountains, sort of like that opening segment in "The Shining," only not as creepy. This was an off-shoot trip of some sort of camp or retreat, and we were going to... a nudist resort. Yes. We were staying for several nights, but as we pulled into the parking lot I realized that I hadn't brought anything with me other than the clothes on my back. We entered the resort, which was mostly a bunch of big crazy swimming pools, and almost immediately lost track of each other. Though it was supposed to be a nudist resort, very few people were actually naked. The two "real world" friends stripped down and jumped into the pool (although one kept his shirt on, which he always does at the beach. Shirt and no pants, gotta love it), and I followed suit, though I ended up just hanging onto the ledge and watching the crowd--until a little girl came up to me and asked if I had "girl parts," at which point I left the pool. The sun set almost instantly and it got cold. I asked the resort manager where my room was and he loaded me into a car to drive me to a neighboring Holiday Inn style hotel...

Where...

I encountered another friend, who was inexplicably excited that this hotel had overnight-train-style bathrooms where you showered over the toilet.

Then...

I woke up.

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I was reading this book before I went to bed, which explains all of the bread references, but as to the rest of it.... wtf??