Must Everything In Life Be a Challenge?

Filtering through my google reader while trying to figure out how to structure my day (do I devote it entirely to school work? run some errands first? bake more bread? do laundry? what should I have for dinner? why the hell can't I make a decision lately??), I noticed a recurring theme among several blogs.

Namely, dating, and the difficulty thereof.

What? A single gal reading the blogs of other Singletons?

Shocking. Truly.

As I look back on the past decade of my life--for it has been 10 years since I uttered the words "I love you," and even then I was inwardly cringing and wondering how long it was going to take me to screw up the courage to finally end a tortured and unhealthy relationship--and I have to ask: Why does it have to be so difficult?

Of the many men I've dated since then end of that particular fiasco, there were a few that I could have fallen in love with, but some wrench would be thrown into the works to bring the whole thing crashing down. We'd be separated by an ocean, say... or his ex-girlfriend. You know, little stuff.

There were plenty that I dated simply because they were there--or perhaps because I drank too much in my early 20s, and my judgment was therefore not entirely sound. They all had some redeeming qualities: a wicked sense of humor, fabulous looks, a sizeable... intellect. But they all also had qualities that wound up being deal breakders: hitting on my best friend, creating drama wherever they went, the inability to place me anywhere on their priority list, let alone in the Top 10. And then there were some who just vanished, faded away into the ether without explanation... which would annoy me for a few weeks, and then I'd get over it and move on to the next eventually-unsuitable-suitor.

So my question is, and has been for some time, why, in a city of millions, is it so difficult to connect with another person on more than a superficial level?

Other than the fact that I have serious trust issues, and fear opening up to anyone lest they a.) find a way to hurt me, or b.) become so emotionally dependent on me (like the afore-mentioned tortured and unhealthy relationship) that I feel like I'm suffocating in a sea of over-zealous and needy affection.

I've never really had a relationship (okay, "relationship") that didn't fall into one of those two categories.

I can't say that I'd even know what to do with one should it come along.

But damnit, that doesn't mean I wouldn't like the opportunity to try.