Cracked

I cannot believe I am saying this... but it has happened again.

I allowed myself to get my hopes up that there could be something there between me and Mr. I, the guy who told me that he liked me, that he wanted to get to know me better, who looked at me in a way that made me smile from head to toe...

...but apparently not.

Last night did not end well.

We had two shows, an 8pm and 11pm performance, so by 1:30am when we were all walking to the bar for a drink (or three), everyone was already a bit loopy. Mr. I was walking a (female) friend who'd come to see the show to the subway before joining us, and two of the others looked back and made a comment that it looked like they were making out... and my stomach just about crashed through the sidewalk. I was instantly kicked in the chest with memories of a night years ago when I was sitting at the bar in my old restaurant waiting for the chef (who I was secretly dating) to get off work, and some girl called on the phone and identified herself as his girlfriend. Turns out he was fucking half of Manhattan while were ostensibly "dating."

Or B, who flirted with me for months to such an extent that everyone who knew us assumed we were dating... until the words "my girlfriend" fell from his lips one fateful afternoon.

Even though I didn't want to be thinking it, I couldn't help wondering: could it really be happening again? I was completely distracted until he came into the bar 15 minutes later.

So I did something stupid.

When we were both drunk and outside smoking a cigarette, I called out Mr. Inscrutable on his inscrutability... and I did not hear what I wanted to hear.

It would seem that dating is apparently a distraction, and he can't focus on getting his life on track if he's dating someone. That smacked so much of the Guitarist who dumped me using ADD and poor time management skills as his excuse that I wondered for a moment if I'd suddenly time-warped back to 2002.

History repeated itself an awful lot last night.

He has a lot of preconceived notions of how I would behave if we were to start dating, and how it would go wrong--I'm guessing based on his last relationship which he says was not good. He says that he does like me and could see a relationship between us, but not now. Which is all well and good, but I'm not going to wait around for him to straighten his shit out. Not intentionally, at least, but the way my life goes the chances of my finding another man I'm actually interested in dating anytime soon is roughly that of a snowball's chance during a drought in Hell.

Much more was said, but I can't rehash it all right now. It was a long conversation and I don't think it's nearly finished, but we reached his stop on the train and his parting shot was so unfair that it still gets my hackles up just thinking about it. "And now here, through no fault of my own, I'm hurting someone..." and then he left.

And that is just such bullshit.

If he'd known all this from the beginning, that he wasn't in a place to date and didn't want to start something... well, he shouldn't have started something.

I was drunk and I kissed him. It could have ended there, I would have been mildly embarrassed for a week or two, and then it would have been over.

We started talking. It became clear that we were interested in one another. Instead of saying that he wanted to get to know me better, he could have said "I think you're cool, but I'm not in a place to be dating anyone right now." It would have sucked, but again, without having had time and impetus to kindle that little ember of hope, I could have gotten over it fairly painlessly.

But he didn't do either of these things. He flirted with me. We made out for several hours. He mentioned people in his life and modified their names with "who you'll probably meet." The flirtation was escalating, becoming less clandestine. For fuck sake, I went and filled a (very expensive) birth control prescription because I genuinely thought that, within the next month or so, I might be needing it. Now not only is my ego sorely bruised, but I'm out $150 that I really couldn't afford, and the package will just sit there in my medicine cabinet mocking me with the fact that, even if a guy actually does like me, that's apparently still not enough... all because I let myself hope.

He thinks he knows what I want from him, that I'll be demanding and whiny, and hold it against him if he has things in his life other than me, all of which is bullshit.

All I want is to be enough. For one person to think I'm worth the effort of getting to know. I'm fucking lonely and I'm sick of it and I just want someone to care.

Apparently that's asking an awful lot.

I'm being dramatic now, I know. These wounds are still fresh. We were both drunk and probably a bit unfair when this conversation took place, I blindsided both of us when I started it, and perhaps when we continue it at a later date the situation will appear differently, but I've got a sinking feeling that he's already made up his mind. Right now, I need to focus on today. I've got to be at the theatre and see him in three hours and right now I look very much like I've been crying all night (which I haven't... just part of it). I need to pull myself together, put on my big girl panties, and not let my inner turmoil affect anyone else, or the show.

I've got to be enough for myself. Good thing I've had a lot of practice.