How It All Went Down

So, we talked.

I met him at the diner down the street from the theatre an hour or so before our cast was going to see the show in our sister theatre.

For the first half hour or so we drank coffee, and chatted, and I laughed hysterically when he managed to launch the contents of a ketchup bottle all over himself (and the neighboring table).

And then, we talked.

Did I get what I wanted? Perhaps not so much. But he said a lot of nice things, the sort of things every girl who's ever been jerked around by a guy wishes he had said at the beginning; and while this isn't exactly the beginning, it's as close as I'm going to get without a time machine, so I'll take it. He said that I deserve a level of emotional investment that he can't give me right now, which frankly might be the nicest thing any man has ever said to me.

I, in turn, apologized for ambushing him (and myself) the other night, explained what sparked off my inner crazy and caused me to do so (and the fact that he simply thanked me for telling him rather than judging me definitely raised him in my estimation), and, in general, was far more open and honest with him about my own intentions and desires, and how I've acted on those in the past, than I've ever been with any man, ever. I don't know how he's done it, but I've let my guard down around him and even though it's hurt me a bit, it's still down. And I'm okay with that.

Am I disappointed? Of course. Am I sad? Yeah, a little. Does it make me feel both warm and fuzzy and a little bit like dying when we just sit there in silence and he looks at me like I've always wanted a man to look at me? Oh, you betcha. But despite all of that, I'm in a better place with this than I was before we talked, so... I'm counting my blessings, I guess.

Is there still a little spark of hope that maybe, somewhere down the line when he gets his act together, this crazy chemistry that we have together will come to something more? I'd be lying if I said there wasn't, but for now I'm reigning that hope in, exercising some self control, and letting go of the expectations I tried to convince both him and myself that I didn't have.

In other words, I'm behaving like an adult.

How the fuck did that happen?

Funny that this is the most mature relationship I've ever had, and it isn't a relationship at all.