Saturday, July 17, 2010

Running in Circles / Standing Still

I'm back to wondering why I even bother.

I forced myself to give up and let go of Mr. I. I realized that, no matter how electric our chemistry, strong our connection, or great that one day we spent together might have been, he was never going to give me what I need. So I let go, gave up the ghost, packed it in, and called it a day. It sucks, sure, but there it is.

I cleansed my palate, took some deep breaths, put a huge chunk of Rose Quartz by my bed which is supposed to draw love into your life (and is disgustingly new-agey of me, I know). Then I met another guy, by all reports less of a douchebag when it comes to women. We got drunk, we fooled around, I sent him a message asking if he wanted to see if our getting along extended to sober and fully clothed activities, and after waiting for a slightly-longer-than-reasonable amount of time for a response, I get the same goddamned answer: I have baggage/Bad timing/Oh yeah, you're great, and if it were another time, sure, I'd love to, but not right now...

What the fuck?

I have a question for the men of the world, particularly single men (okay, and women) in their late 20s/early 30s: Who among us doesn't have baggage? Who among us is whole, healthy, fully emotionally functional and ready, at this very moment, right fucking now to embark on a relationship?

Answer? Not a single fucking one of us. Myself included.

We all have wounds to heal, walls to deconstruct, and things to learn about being in stable, healthy relationships; because if all those things were taken care of already, we would all be in stable, healthy relationships! Clearly, at this point, we're all a little bit damaged, so rather than shutting each other out, why don't we attempt to learn and heal together?

Granted, I've also come to realize that my view of dating and relationships in general is fairly warped. You see, all these men who can't date me because they "don't want a relationship," are clearly optimists. They automatically assume that dating will lead to a relationship. That things will, god forbid, work out... and for whatever unknown reason that is apparently a bad thing, so they run and hide.

I, on the other hand, feel from my own experiences that it is statistically highly unlikely that things will work out, that dating will in no way lead to an actual relationship, and so really, what's the harm in trying?

Pretty fucked up, huh?

Of course, my own, fucked-up outlook doesn't mean dick, considering that no man I meet will agree to date me anyway.

Oh, except for Hot Guy From Yale, who seemed to think he could fix me by pointing out and harping on all my flaws on our first (and only) date.

Or DM, who disappeared so thoroughly and without explanation that I considered googling his name plus "obituary" to see if he'd died.

Right. Clearly the bile is rising in my throat today. I really don't mean to be bitter, I don't want to be bitter, but it's awfully difficult when I feel that I'm spending my life running in circles, wasting my time and energy, when I could get the exact same results by simply standing still.

1 comment:

Lpeg said...

"Or DM, who disappeared so thoroughly and without explanation that I considered googling his name plus "obituary" to see if he'd died."

OMG. I love this line. I'm sorry you're having such shit luck at dating at the moment.

I hope things turn around.

ps. I've got to catch up on your blog - I haven't been here in ages!