Blogcrastination or, Variations on a Theme

I have a paper to write.

I do not want to write said paper.

I have to write said paper.

Just perhaps not at this very minute.

(and thus it begins...)



Being that I do very little actual work while I am at work, I have noticed that there seem to be 2 themes cropping up frequently in Blogville these days: heartbreak and body issues (my my, aren't we a cheery bunch?). Being that I haven't been in love in nearly 9 years, I can't offer much on the deep-emotional-trauma front; but in those nearly 9 nears I have definitely had a body. And issues. Though not necessarily in that order. And I've made a few observations that I would like to share with you.

1. Every woman, no matter who she is, no matter what she says, has something she doesn't like about her body.
Before it made her famous, I'm willing to bet Cindy Crawford hated that mole. Kids probably teased Kate Moss for being built like a bean pole. And your friend with the to-die-for cleavage that you cannot help but ogle whenever she wears a low-cut top? She's probably swearing up a storm and wishing for your A-cups when the PMS fairy makes them so sore she can't walk down stairs without wincing. The bottom line: everybody's got something. Which leads us to...

2. Every woman, no matter what she says, has something she loves about her body.
And quite often, I'm willing to bet that some of the things we bitch about are some of the things we love best. You'll often hear me complain that buying jeans is a royal pain in the ass because of the ratio of my hips/bum to the rest of me; but I wouldn't trade my booty for anybody's! Like most of my relationships, it's love-hate. But when I'm trying on an outfit for a must-look-sexy occasion, what's the first thing I check out in the mirror? You guessed it. So the next time you're feeling crappy about your body, focus in on that one thing you adore and remember...

3. Skinny girls are just as insecure as everyone else.
Yes, even your friend who wears a size 2 (despite the fact that she can scarf down a plate of Belgian waffles like a USC linebacker) has "fat days." So the next time your waif-like companion is moaning about her "gut," resist the urge to roll your eyes and whine "Oh my god, you are so not fat! Look at me! I would kill to look like you," and unless she is a known anorexic/bullemic/body-dysmorphic (or just a pathological comment-fisher), cut the girl some slack. After all, invalidating her insecurities by telling her she's wrong? Yeah, not helping. Bite your tongue and remember this moment the next time she quietly listens to you complain about your thighs/hips/boobs/etc.

And finally...

4. Confidence is HOT.
I don't think I look good naked. I know I look good naked. And that, my friends, makes ALL the difference in the world! Sure I've got cellulite and my abs aren't as rock solid as they were when I was 15 and oh my god how do you get stretch marks on A CUP BOOBS!?!?, but so far as I'm concerned, when the clothes come off I am Angelina freaking Jolie. Only, you know, without the accessory children and that whole Billy Bob Thornton thing. Because, really, if a guy (or girl--no discrimination here) is lucky enough to be in the same room with you while you are naked, he/she is much more likely to be thinking "Awesome! I'm getting laid!!" than "hmmm, you know, her butt jiggles when she walks..." Not to mention that, unless you are fortunate enough to be bedding Brad Pitt (or Angelina Jolie), chances are that other person isn't anywhere close to perfect either. So why would they be zoning in on your flaws, which would only make them more likely to dwell on their own?


In the end, we are all human; and humans are flawed creatures. Yet, if we can't learn to love our bodies, we can at least learn to support one another through our dysfunctional relationships. Because unlike a boyfriend or a bad job, you are stuck with your body for life. If you can't learn to love its flaws, you can at least learn to tolerate them with a smile.

And Häagen-Dazs.