Monday, February 4, 2008


Yes, I made that word up.

It's an onamonapoea, signifying frustration, stress, and a sense of malaise all rolled into one.

Go ahead, try it.

It begins with a slight constriction in the chest as the lungs begin the slow expulsion of stale air. Let it gurgle up in the back of your throat, rumbling ominously as the intensity builds. Feel the back of your tongue flatten and spread as the sound enters your mouth and rolls along the soft palate. Notice how your jaw drops open, heavy and immobile, as the sound bursts forth into the air before you. And just when you begin to really enjoy the feel of the word, feel your throat constrict, strangling it off.

There. Did you try it?

How do you feel now?

Because that, right there? Is how I've been feeling, constantly, for the past 2 weeks. And I cannot for the life of me explain why.

It's like something is constricting my insides and numbing my brain all at the same time. I have a mountain of school work that must be attended to, but whenever I sit down to do it I simply cannot think. I have tried, repeatedly, to write my final reflection paper for the course in Uganda and it comes off as though it were written by gramatically-stunted 5th grader. I am supposed to be journaling my weekend class and so far I haven't written a single word.

I am walking through every day with an intense feeling of frustration, yet I have no idea what on earth I am frustrated about.

Maybe it's just the stress talking. Maybe I should take Slater up on his offer to buy me a massage, though lord knows when I would find the time. Maybe I should take a personal day from work and just hole up in my apartment with a large tub of ice cream and some DVDs.

There are a lot of Maybes. But Maybes won't get my homework done, or loosen the noose around my esophagus.

It's like part of me has taken a vacation and left no forwarding address.

I do hope she comes back soon.


Stephanie said...

I say take a personal day in which you get a massage, relax and worry about work and school tomorrow. That being said, I don't think I could do that myself. Hang in there!

Deutlich said...

I sincerely hated when I felt like that during college. It wasn't an easy thing to deal with, I can tell you that much.

I say you should take a day off work, hole yourself up in your apartment, watch movies that bring you joy and just relax. Don't let ANYthing infiltrate your mind other than pleasant things and catch up on some rest.

Seriously? Personal days are a must.

Jess said...

I agree with Steph and Deutlich. At least one personal day is definitely in order.

ana said...

It is just a phase. Relocation takes some time. I hope you find your way out of this funk soon.

Ashley said...

I am totally feeling that word right now. Blaaaaarrrgggghhhh its just how i'm feeling now too.

However I am blaming it entirely on winter.

I agree with everyone else--a personal day is definitely a great idea. Hope you feel better soon!

Anonymous said...

Blarg actually sums up my whole day. My whole weekend. It's been tough.

I actually have a category on my site called "ARGH". If that gives you a sense of how much I feel that general feeling. I hope you feel better soon!