Saturday, March 29, 2008

All over the place...

Really? Truly? I wish I knew what the hell was up with me lately.

I'm normally a fairly laid-back, generally happy person. But lately it seems that every day is a freaking roller coaster.

No, that's not quite right. I like roller coasters.

This... this is the fucking Wild Mouse.

It looks harmless enough from the ground. "Oh, it's just a kiddie coaster," you think. "Just a couple of turns and those drops? Pffft! Nothing!"

Until you are 30 feet in the air, in the world's tiniest cart, and you can't see the tracks under you. You're rolling along quite peacefully when, without warning, you are whipped around in the opposite direction. And again. And again. And each and every time that car whips around you are absolutely positive that you will fly out of your crappy little cart and die a painful death on the pavement below.

I fucking hate the Wild Mouse.

I also hate days like today. When I woke up I was feeling fine enough. Look! I even made Fritata!

After breakfast the morning was marked by bouts of random photography.

The "Sorry We Eliminated Your Job" flowers are already wilting, but still photogenic.

And yet, despite the tasty breakfast, and the pretty flowers, as the morning wore on I felt an all too familiar sense of malaise settling over me. Figuring it was just a late-breaking hangover, I did what I always do in such cases. I went back to bed.

A little over 2 hours later I finally roused myself from bed. Contrary to my intent, my nap had not left me feeling refreshed and rejuvenated, but had rather left me inclined to spend the entirety of the day swaddled in my 800 thread count sheets.

I was supposed to go to a vegetarian pot-luck this evening, which is admittedly not exactly my scene--"eco-friendly containers" and "musical instruments" being on the list of items to bring--but I love the hostess in all her crunchy-granola-glory, and so was prepared to make an appearance and try to avoid eating anything containing mushrooms.

But my body was dragging and my brain was one step behind, so I wrote her an email begging off.

My mom had called me last night to check in while I was out and about, so I took a moment to call the parents. Within less than a minute my dad was asking "Are you alright?" Sure, I said, just tired.

Really, it's more than that... but I don't know what.

I went to the grocery store to find something for dinner, and kept wandering up and down the aisles with a few random items in my basket--butter, ravioli--and absolutely no clue what I wanted to buy. Other than ice cream. I knew I wanted ice cream. Eventually I decided on pizza and spent the next 10 minutes trying to find yeast before determining that there did not appear to be any in stock. However, I could feel my brain cringing in my skull at the prospect of having to come up with an alternative plan, so I simply paid for my items and left.

I was so out of it on the way home that it took three attempts before I realized that the "Hey girl!"-s coming from the guy less than a foot in front of me were directed at me.

Yet somehow, as I sat here hunting for a recipe for yeast-less pizza crust (the packet I dug up in the back of my cupboard having expired last November), my mood rolled over once again and I was doing okay.

Oh, and taking a biscuit recipe and using half the baking powder called for? Not a bad pizza crust substitute if you happen to be out of yeast.

As I ate I decided that, being the emotional equivalent of the pendulum on the world's largest grandfather clock, I needed to spend the remainder of the evening watching chick flicks. This may or may not have been a good idea.

"Becoming Jane" is excellent. However, why on earth I chose a film that I knew for a FACT did not have a "happy ending" (Jane Austen never married), is completely beyond me.

So I chose to follow that with "The Break-Up." WTF? Whoever chose to market that movie as a comedy should be taken outside and shot. I cried. Repeatedly. Not exactly what I had in mind.

And now here I am. Not exactly the picture of cheer, but not the lifeless lump who wandered aimlessly around in the grocery store for half an hour (and my grocery store is TINY... like, 4 aisles, that's it). I'm sort of floating somewhere in the middle, which for the time being I guess is good enough.

But what really bothers me, what I don't understand, is what on earth causes days like this? Days when half the time I don't even feel like myself. It's like I've made a quantum leap into someone else's body and can't quite figure out what to do with myself.

And I worry that, if this continues, my unemployment will not be the blessing I'd hoped for. That rather than be productive during my now-free days, I'll sit around like a lump staring at the walls and wondering why going to the store seems like such a gigantic effort.

I can't let that happen. I'll go crazy.

Sorry... like the title suggests, I am seriously all over the place today.

Do any of you have days like this? What do you do to get yourself back to... yourself?


single said...

you just grabbed all my thoughts and feelings and made sense of them. Your pics are beautiful and I think you are fab.

Hope said...

Ditto. That's almost a word for word account for what I did last night. I have no idea how to get back to myself, as you put it, so if figure it out? Let me know. :)

Anonymous said...

Trying to sort through a load of stuff myself, and the only plan I had was an evening of Disney movies and ice cream. I guess I have to go to the sure-fires when it comes to happy endings. I can't do sad endings on days like these. Maybe you should watch the Jungle Book or 101 Dalmations. They sure made my day better, and they weren't full of love stories (happy or not).

Stephanie said...

Your food looks so tasty! Can I come over for dinner sometime? :)

When I get in a funk, I run and that always makes me feel better, though it's definitely not for everyone. Perhaps bake some cupcakes? :)

Kass said...

I agree with Stephanie, your food looks delicious!

Gah, days when you're not quite yourself suck. Good luck on finding your way back!

Princess Pointful said...

I do have those days. Usually *I try* videos, but, oddly enough, my fail safe is to take an aimless wander with my camera and my iPod.

Deutlich said...

i have days like that all the time.

i try to zone out w/music or something and let it ride out

Samantha said...

When I have days like that I veg out and watch TV and go to sleep early so the day ends. Damn your food looks good! And yeah, wtf with the marketing for The Break Up?

cdp said...

I'm with PP on the aimless wander. Camera or otherwise, I generally feel better after getting out and walking with no intended destination until my head is a little more clear. Sometimes I take cigarettes. And beer. But definitely if you're over-hung you should not take the beer.

Also, your frittata looks dee-to-the-lish.

And, yeast is totally one of those things I would spend an hour looking for in the grocery store. Such a random item. Although I have to say if I decided I wanted pizza, I'd head for frozen foods. I'm impressed by your culinary motivation even when you're in a bad mood.

Hope you're feeling better. xoxo