Strange Medicine

Oddly enough, I am not drunk this evening. It probably has something to do with the $8 price tag on the pitifully small beers at the venue of the evening's Bachelorette excursion. Just a guess.

But last night? Last night was a different story.

And so out of the goodness of my heart, I would like to share with you...

Froggy's Never-Fail Hangover Cure

Disclaimer: This cure will not completely alleviate one of those toilet hugging, head pounding, oh-my-god-I-want-to-die hangovers. This is more for hangovers of "Standing up quickly is a bad idea and I sortof feel like I have the flu" variety.

All that being said...

1. Water. Yes, this is obvious, but let's face it. When you stumble home drunk at 2:30am singing Salt-N-Peppa to yourself, you most likely won't have the presence of mind to replenish your body's fluid supply. Yet you will still be able to write a lengthy blog post about your cab ride. Funny how that works. Anyhoo... where was I? Oh, right. WATER. Keep a large glass or bottle of it by your bed. If, like me, you tend to wake up every few hours while sleeping off a case of Stella, drink a little every time you wake up. If you wake up to go to the bathroom, refill the glass. By morning you'll have consumed at least a pint, which is better than nothing.

2. When you wake up with a headache an hour before your alarm is set to go off... Get out of bed and get some asprin! Yes, it sucks. Yes, the last thing you want to do is crawl out of the nice cozy nest you've made in your covers. Yes, the cat will follow you around the house because she automatically assumes that if you are getting out of bed, it is to feed her. This is all true. Now suck it up and do it anyway.

3. When the alarm starts going off--and your headache is miraculously gone! Imagine that!!--hit Snooze at least twice, but for no more than half an hour.

4. Get up. Brush your teeth. Feed the cat. Make coffee. Write a lesson plan. Okay, maybe not that, but do something, watch tv, whatever. The point is to stay awake for at least an hour.

5. Eat something. Your stomach might be feeling a little off, but if there have not yet been any digestive pyrotechnics, they're not coming. So eat. I recommend scrambled eggs with mozzerella, salsa, and sour cream. Throw in a few tortilla chips for good measure. Either way, be sure to get some protein involved. Protein is your friend. Truly defeating a hangover requires long-burning energy, eating a ton of carbs will just make you crash again in an hour.

6. Drink some Gatorade or Vitamin Water or other vitamin/electrolyte-charged beverage.

7. This is the key... GO BACK TO BED. Sleep for another hour. That's it, just one.

8. Wake up, take a shower, and...

TA DA! A whole new you!

Or, at the very least, a non-hungover you... which, given the circumstances, is really all you can ask for.