Thursday, October 16, 2008

Am I Depressed?

After calling and hounding my doctor for my blood test results, yesterday I received the following email.

"Your lab results were essentially normal."

Essentially? What the fuck does that mean?!?!

Way to inspire confidence pal. I love the fact that I practically had to hunt you down with a spear to get this little nugget of information.

When I wrote back and asked if he had any advice considering the problem hadn't gone away, he told me to make another appointment so he could determine if I needed further tests or a referral.

You know, because he was so helpful the first time.

This is one of the many reasons I hate being poor. I hate having to go to Student Health Centers or, when I was on Medicaid, hospital clinics. The doctors there do such a piss-poor job of pretending to care, and an excellent job of relaying that you are totally wasting their time with your petty complaints.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't the whole Being A Doctor thing about helping people? So could you maybe brush that chip off your shoulder and actually take me seriously? Thanks.

Anyhow, I think it's time to bite the bullet and go see a counselor.

Once again, this will be a Health Center counselor, which may just leave me wanting to rip my hair out even more than I already do, but here are the facts:

I have a hard time falling asleep.
Once I do fall asleep, I have a hard time waking up.
I am easily irritated. By everything.
I have a hard time motivating myself to do just about anything.
I am convinced that at least one of my friends is trying to friend-dump me.
I am totally stressed out over such facts as: the crumbling economy is going to seriously deplete grant-based jobs, so how the hell am I going to find work to utilize and pay for this insanely expensive Masters degree; and will I even be able to FINISH that degree considering I still don't have board approval for my thesis project and I have less than 2 months until I need to hand it in... AIGH!

So is that depression? I don't know. I don't have those mysterious aches and pains that those medication commercials talk about. I don't want to kill myself. And when something good happens, or I get distracted from my malaise, I will cheer up and feel like myself.

The rest of the time I feel like I'm trapped in my own skin, but have no idea where else I'd prefer to be.

So what the fuck is that?

3 comments:

Hope said...

So I'm not a doctor or a certified therapist but it does sound like you may leaning towards that direction. I had the first four symptoms you mentioned.

I think you're right to go see counselor!But definitely go back to the doctor for more tests.

I told my therapist about feeling tired all the time which she interpreted as a purely psychological symptom and then two months later when I was lying in hospital the doctor told me that I was probably feeling tired because I wasn't getting the nutrients I needed because of the Crohn's.

My point? Definitely check out both routes. :)

each of the two said...

its a mild depression.

just because you arnt suicidal and in a contant slump doesnt mean you arent suffering.

my sis has similar symptoms, she is on pills she LOVES that basically, as she puts it "takes the edge off" so things dont stress her out or keep her up at night.

its not a perfect solution, but with so much going on, a solution like that might help life gives you a break.

Jaymie said...

I am experiencing depression and have been for a couple of years. I am not suicidal nor ever have been. Being depressed is looking at the symptoms and if you think you have a few together (not all of them hopefully) then yes you COULD be depressed. My Symptoms? so irritable (OMFG! my poor other half), want to sleep all the time, low energy, low motivation and sad a lot of the time.

So go get checked out, both physically and counselling wise. Just remember, even if you are experiencing depression, it's not the end of the world, it gets better.

:)