Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Exquisite Pressure

A book I'm reading for my newly-revamped-thesis-project uses the term "Exquisite Pressure" to define a working environment where people are given just enough time to create something they can truly own, without having time to judge or over-analyze. While this particular book refers specifically to an artistic/theatrical setting, I think the term could be applied anywhere that deadlines occur--office projects, school papers, etc.

The pressure I'm feeling right now, however? Is most definitely not Exquisite.

I have so much to do, so much to think about, and I'm having a very difficult time prioritizing.

The show with the kids opens in 2 days, so that, obviously, demands a good deal of my attention. The time commitment is finite, but the mental commitment is infinitely more extensive.

I've got that job audition next Tuesday and need to create a lesson for it, for which I need to do some research. As this is the most proximal deadline, it should probably be at the top of my priority list... but that would involve actually being able to make a priority list!

My play (or the 10 minutes of it being read aloud in class) doesn't have to be complete until mid-December, but I need to give my actor requirements to my professor by the end of the week.

My NaNo novel is falling by the wayside a bit this week, but I've got 31k words written, and I think I'll be able to get a lot done while I'm in PA for Thanksgiving and am not afforded the myriad distractions that can be found in my apartment.

And then, of course, there's Thesis. Honestly, other than reading some background material while traveling on the subway, I am thinking very little about Thesis this week. I'll worry about it when this show is over.

I also need to find time to bake some more baguettes, as I'm going to run out soon and that will definitely make me cranky.

Finally, to top it all off, I totally broke down and cried last night over this whole Slater situation. As much as I just want to be Capital-A-Angry about being so unceremoniously friend-dumped, the overwhelming emotion I am feeling over all of this is Hurt. I have apparently lost one of my best friends, and I have absolutely no idea why. And that... sucks.

The gifts I brought for him from Peru just sit there on my dresser, taunting me. What am I supposed to do with them? I can't give them to someone else, nor can I throw them away. Part of me just wants to mail them to him to get them out of my house, but do I include a note? Gah!

And of course, now my paranoid mind is reading into all of our mutual friendships as well... like the fact that B (formerly known as Maybe Crush, remember him?) hasn't written back to an email I sent several days ago. He's *always* slow to respond, but now of course I'm wondering if Slater has said something about me to make him not want to talk to me.

Clearly, my paranoia is still in High School.

It's just the icing on the cake of an already stressful month, and I wish I could just let go, but really... how can you just let go when someone you trust hurts you? When someone whose support you genuinely needed just up and decides they don't have time for you?

If you know, please... do share.


Princess of the Universe said...

I would send the gifts with a note.
I would be honest and say that you're not sure what happened, and would like to know why he's decided to dump you...

At least then you've made the effort. If he doesn't respond, we'll then he's definitely in the wrong and you can hopefully find a way to move past it...

So@24 said...

Oh the inevitable stress of when a play goes up.

God I miss those days.

sequined said...

I can't give you great advice, sadly, but I can commiserate. I have lessons to plan, papers to grade, a final exam to prepare, grades to calculate, an apartment to find, jobs to apply for, graduate school to apply to, and a NaNo novel HORRIBLY far behind. So. I feel ya.

Hope said...

Oh Froggy. I've been there with certain friends and because I'm a wimp never asked about what happened.

So I thought Princess's advice is spot on. Do send the gifts with a note.

The other day someone left a comment on my blog saying that while there are so many books on romantic relationship there aren't any about friendships.

Its true. Friendships are such difficult relationships to understand some times. But I hope that you can get some understanding of what happened!