Friday, March 20, 2009

Lock Your Doors, I'm Going on a Rampage...

A few days ago my Facebook status message noted that if one more wrench was thrown into the works of this move, I was going to go postal.

Well, it turns out that, according to, oh, the Electric Company, the Cable Company, and the motherfucking U.S. Postal Service... MY APARTMENT DOES NOT EXIST.

I can't open an electric account. It's going to take me three fucking weeks to get cable--don't ask me how the hell I'm going to find a job without the internet--and changing the address on my bills has been nothing short of a nightmare.

Of course, I discovered the brunt of this around 6:00pm on a Friday, which means that nobody was home at the management company when I called, and I therefore can't do dick about it until Monday--which is when I'm moving!

The apartment has electricity, so I won't be stumbling around by candlelight or anything, and there are no less than four cable jacks protruding from the walls, which means that it's capable of receiving a cable signal. Now, the building itself is Pre-War, but my lease listed the apartment as New Construction, so they must have split an older, larger apartment into two.

But don't you think they maybe should have told somebody??? Work like that requires a permit, so shouldn't somebody, somewhere, have maybe made a note of it?

Un-mother-fucking-believable. Seriously.

So, to keep me from jumping out a window, I need to remember the reasons I'm excited for the move, and thus I bring you...

Things I Will NOT Miss About My Apartment

1. Shittiest. Stairs. Ever.

The second flight of stairs has looked like this since I moved in--at which time the landlord claimed they were going to re-finish them within the next few months. Lies. All lies.

Which segues nicely into...

2. My Landlord's Laughable Attempts At Home Repair


Remember The Bathroom Saga? Well this is the resulting linoleum application after, you know, I finally got my floor back.

The best part? Is that beneath that shoddily applied linoleum is... even more shoddily poured concrete. Yes. Motherfucking CONCRETE. Sure as hell hope they never have to get at those pipes again...


Also post bathroom-repair. I'm willing to bet that that exposed drywall is just seething with mold spores. Seriously dude... why??


Livingroom ceiling has also looked like this since I moved in. What? You thought that hastily applied, greyish spackle would just blend right in with that horrible faux finish?

Which reminds me...

3. The Wretched Popcorn Finish That's Been Applied Everywhere.

The photo is from the kitchen. It has been applied to ceilings throughout the house, over the edges of the crown molding, over the original light fixtures, and all over the kitchen and my bedroom walls. It is ugly and it is sharp. WTF were you thinking??

4. The Song-and-Dance, Special Charms, and Sacrificial Goat required to Get a Reasonable Water Temperature in the Shower, Which Only Last for a Few Minutes Anyway.

Did I mention that the hot and cold taps are reversed, and the water pressure sucks?

5. The Not-Even-Remotely Level Stovetop.

I originally set the level on the floor, but it came out even, so the problem is clearly with the stove itself. Sauteing becomes a real pain in the ass when all the oil pools at one side of the pan.

6. The Fact That This, and a Shoddy Chain Bolt I Installed Myself, is the Only Thing Keeping Murders and Rapists Out of My Apartment.

A single, crappy lock in a hollow door. I've never been particularly comfortable with that.

Fortunately, for the next few days, I'll have enough boxes piled in front of those doors to keep out the 300 Spartans.

If I ever finish packing.


jenniti said...

It's hard to pick a winner, but I'll have to go with number 4. The water temperature problem would drive me crazy!! Hopefully it's better in your new place.

Good luck with your packing and move. Looking forward to hearing about the good parts of your new place.

Elizabeth said...

Good luck with everything! Moving is always stressful, but hopefully the new place will more than make up for any of the crud you've dealt with!

wegrit said...

Did it not make you bonkers when you were living in the UK that the kitchens have separate water faucets? So you can either burn your hands off or freeze them off. Washing your face (and the dishes) is quite the adventure over here...

Good luck with the move!

Poppy said...

I feel awful for laughing at this, considering you had to live here for so long. What an awful place! I once lived in a house that had been renovated, and all the sawdust etc. had been flushed down the toilet... we had the plumber out every two weeks unblocking the pipes (luckily the landlord had to pay)