Saturday, October 17, 2009

Thoughts, Deep and Otherwise...

As I plodded to the subway after a torturously long and slow double shift yesterday, my exhausted brain managed to crank out some rather important thinking. Here it is:

I need to get over the fact that my life isn't what I want it to be, and instead of being quietly miserable, do something about it.


This type of thinking is what landed me in Grad School the last time, and while I was certainly enriched by the experience, I must reluctantly admit that, just maybe, I didn't choose the right course of study to get where I want to be--teaching college. So, it's ime to make an appointment to take the GRE, thus forcing myself to study for it, get those PhD applications in order, and...

...get over the insecurity and fear of rejection that has kept me from entering any academic program that requires an audition. The worst that can happen is that they say No. It will suck, but it won't kill me. Thus, I am applying to Yale's MFA Program. Because if I'm going to kick my fear in the ass, why not do it on the grandest scale possible? An MFA will also qualify me to teach college, fulfilling the "Get my life on the right track" course of action that I am determined to, once again, undertake, with the added bonus of offering the kind of experiential learning that is lacking from the more academically-oriented doctoral programs.

In other words, I'm just going to keep trying until I get it right. Or until the Federal Government refuses to give me any more Education Loans. (Though in my defense, I am only applying to programs that offer the sort of financial aid that will cover all or most of my expenses, thus adding comparatively little to my already massive debts.)

And, on the not so deep scale, I need to decide if it's really worth flirting with a guy I work with, no matter how attractive he may be. True, he's just working in the kitchen for a few months and is therefore technically not my superior (because I am NOT repeating the "Alcoholic Coke-Head Chef Incident," or any variations thereof, EVER AGAIN)... but he is the owner's younger brother, and therefore exists on a sort of plane unto himself.

He's also young.

Which I'm willing to overlook.

Because he's hot.

He'd been around for awhile, but I wasn't attracted to him until yesterday when I actually talked to him for awhile. Not gonna lie, it may have more to do with his British accent than his chewable lower lip, but a little spark kicked off in the back of my brain. It could also be that it's PMS week and my hormones are firing off like mad. I have a sneaking suspicion that, were I to just go for it, I could probably reel him in with little difficulty, but the thought of doing so under the gaze of the entirely female floor staff makes my skin crawl. I'd feel like some sort of exhibit at the Mean Girls Zoo.

There is a downside to having an all female staff. For the most part, I stay out of the drama, but overtly flirting with the boss's hot brother would decidedly land me in the middle of it.

Probably best just to covertly flirt with him to pass the time, and not worry about it.

Because clearly, I have enough to think about already.


Airam said...

Sounds like we're kind of in the same place at the moment - this spring I'll finish my fifth year of studies, but I still have no idea what I want to do with my life. You're lucky to know what you want to do, even though it might be scary as helle to get there. Auditions are nasty, but my (limited) experience says they get easier the more you do. If you live in Norway, Yale is more like "that impossible school they always talk about on TV", but if you are lucky enough to be able to apply, I say go for it! Can't wait to read about how it goes :) That's what I really like about your blog, you see, that even though you don't write five posts a day or have a specific theme, your writing is wonderfully entertaining and always makes me look forwards to your next post. Keep it up, darling!

Jess said...

Wow, so much going on! I'm glad you've decided to go for it with the MFA thing. You're right, the worst that happens is they say no, and while that would smart, it wouldn't leave you any worse off than you are now, right? So go you for just doing it!

Also, I agree. Covert flirtation for now and then see what happens from there.

wegrit said...

Flirt with the cute guy! Do it!

Therapeutic Ramblings said...

Mean Girls I pictured Lindsey Lohan as a giraffe.