Sunday, May 9, 2010

Is it possible to cheat on someone you're not even dating?

Mr. I and I are still at an emotional stalemate, and the other night I chose to compensate for my relative rejection by getting drunk and fooling around with a 23 year old. Again. My reward for this self-destructive behavior is a fucking hickey, and a healthy dose of guilt.

Now, this is silly, right? Mr. I has no claim on me, nor I on him, and thus I am theoretically free to make out with whomever I choose. So why can't I shake the feeling that, in doing so, I've somehow betrayed the man who refuses to date me?

I wish I knew why I do these stupid things, and moreover I wish I could stop feeling guilty when, in theory, I've done absolutely nothing wrong.

Yeah. In theory.

In reality, it's myself that I've betrayed. It's my own feelings I've hurt, not Mr. I's, or those of the boy in question. Granted, should Mr. I ever find out--which, universe willing, he never will--I think he would be upset, but I have no way of knowing. I could just be flattering myself that he would care, and yet... and yet. Emotional deadlock aside, there is still something there between us that remains unnamed and unfathomable.

What saddens me the most, however, is that as I find myself slowly becoming reconciled to this static state of affairs, I find those feelings slipping away. I'm starting to get over him, which one would think would be a good thing, but... as stressful and emotionally frustrating as it's been, I've actually enjoyed feeling this way, being excited to see him, enjoying simply being in the same space with him. I don't want those feelings to go.

So why did I bury them in a corner of my mind while some other guy took my shirt off? Granted, the booze had some part to play in that decision, but in the end it was me who made the choice.

Of course, in a few weeks when I'm back to seeing him every day instead of just once a week, and I'm no longer emotionally and physically exhausted from working crazy hours at work for very little financial reward, it could all come rushing back to me.

Masochist that I am, I hope it does.

Even though I never actually had him, I'm not quite ready to let him slip quietly away.

I don't want to be over him. Not just yet.

1 comment:

Therapeutic Ramblings said...

What are we going to do with you?

I can see letting yourself down. I did that for quite awhile, until I realized it was just an excuse to not move on and grow up.