Tuesday, December 11, 2007


Thank you all so much for the kind words.

And the lack of judgment.

Especially that.

I'm used to my personal life being twelve different shades of fucked up, that's pretty much the existence I lead. And I am doing my damnedest to shut down that part of my brain that is still so very attracted to B.

But I'll let you in on a little secret: I have horrible taste in men.

And if he were to leave The Girlfriend and come running to me? I'd probably open my arms.

I am an optimist in pessimist's clothing. A closet romantic--with a dark, somewhat twisted sense of romance. Good people end up in crappy situations, the timing in my romantic life has pretty much never been good, but these things can work out... right?


But until that day ever comes (which it most likely won't, I am--much though I may be in denial--a realist), my hands will remain firmly in my pockets--and out of his... whatever. I will not so much as lay a finger on him (nor allow him to lay one on me) while she remains in the picture.

I've been that girl before, and I am definitely not going down that road again.

But I can't help but wonder... am I that girl already? I try to stifle my desire, but I am unable to let go. It appears that I am not alone. Am I an accomplice? And if so, what is my crime? One minute I feel like a victim (of B, of fate, of myself), and the other like a criminal.

Desire is a double-edged sword.

This evening as I bitched to Slater on the way to the subway, he told me that another friend, who knows both B and I but has never really seen us together socially, apparently picked up on some kind of vibe the other night as well. So clearly, this mess is *not* all in my head.

I kinda wish it was. Then this would all be only 11 shades of fucked up and maybe, just maybe, there would be room in my brain for something else.

I keep trying to look at other men, to remind myself how hot I thought my one TA was at the beginning of the semester... but it's not the same.

I'm either going to burn out or explode and only time will tell which.

Attention Guests, please keep hands and feet inside the ride at all times. The Park will not be held responsible for fractured egos, battered ideals, or bruised hearts.

Thank you, and enjoy the ride.


distracted spunk said...

Hiya. I kinda disappeared. I think...we just have to keep riding. It's easier said than done, but what can you do?

Yeah. Pretty much. I have my fingers crossed. And hey! Uganda soon!

QueenBee said...

Oh girl, Don't beat yourself up about it. You're doing the best that you can do, and it's not your fault that he's coming on to you more than you're comfortable with (And way more than you know his girlfriend would be comfortable with)

And I suppose I know that you can't force your heart to do something your head knows is right.

I'm not a believer in fate, but I do believe that things are going to turn out, one way or another, and no matter what happens, if you fall for him, if you guys finally get together, if he turns around and does what he's doing to you except you're the other girl, NO MATTER what happens, you'll come out on the other end smarter, wiser, ready to take on the next one.

You're no criminal. You're just a victim of love. And love is a serial killer. You're just one of the billions of its victims.

Hope said...

It's so hard to 'switch off' feeling desire even though we know we should. Even if everyone thinks we should, even if he has a girlfriend, even if blah blah.

And its hard that when you're hooked, you can't even notice any other guy making it that much harder to become un-hooked.

Thanks for the warning, but I'm on the ride with you. Whatever happens. :)

Princess of the Universe said...

Sorry, a few days behind in my reading.
Yes, that email was rife with subtext.

I'm willing to bet though that this will all be over in a remarkably short period of time (one way or the other) and this agaony will all seem...well better somehow.

Just my 2 cents.

ana said...

I'm like that too, a twisted romantic, flawed idea of love wrings my head of better judgement....

but good call on keeping your hands in your pocket...for now...ride along...enjoy the thrills and frills thus attached...but try to keep that safety belt strapped tight...

Princess Pointful said...

I know this sounds cheezy, but you can only be responsible for your hands, not your heart.
Don't be too hard on yourself. This is all his responsibility, not yours.

If you weren't in NY, I could swear you are going through the exact same thing as one of my best friends. The chemistry between them was the most obvious thing in the world, with him keeping it up even she tried to back away- but he had a very long term girlfriend. It certainly put her through the wringer, I'm afraid.

Lisa said...

I'm with Princess Pointful. There's a line, and you'll just have to be careful not to cross it. :|