Cheers

Thank you all so much for the kind words.

And the lack of judgment.

Especially that.

I'm used to my personal life being twelve different shades of fucked up, that's pretty much the existence I lead. And I am doing my damnedest to shut down that part of my brain that is still so very attracted to B.

But I'll let you in on a little secret: I have horrible taste in men.

And if he were to leave The Girlfriend and come running to me? I'd probably open my arms.

I am an optimist in pessimist's clothing. A closet romantic--with a dark, somewhat twisted sense of romance. Good people end up in crappy situations, the timing in my romantic life has pretty much never been good, but these things can work out... right?

Uh-huh.

But until that day ever comes (which it most likely won't, I am--much though I may be in denial--a realist), my hands will remain firmly in my pockets--and out of his... whatever. I will not so much as lay a finger on him (nor allow him to lay one on me) while she remains in the picture.

I've been that girl before, and I am definitely not going down that road again.


But I can't help but wonder... am I that girl already? I try to stifle my desire, but I am unable to let go. It appears that I am not alone. Am I an accomplice? And if so, what is my crime? One minute I feel like a victim (of B, of fate, of myself), and the other like a criminal.

Desire is a double-edged sword.

This evening as I bitched to Slater on the way to the subway, he told me that another friend, who knows both B and I but has never really seen us together socially, apparently picked up on some kind of vibe the other night as well. So clearly, this mess is *not* all in my head.

I kinda wish it was. Then this would all be only 11 shades of fucked up and maybe, just maybe, there would be room in my brain for something else.

I keep trying to look at other men, to remind myself how hot I thought my one TA was at the beginning of the semester... but it's not the same.

I'm either going to burn out or explode and only time will tell which.

Attention Guests, please keep hands and feet inside the ride at all times. The Park will not be held responsible for fractured egos, battered ideals, or bruised hearts.

Thank you, and enjoy the ride.